Learn to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

We must learn to say no to the things that don’t matter so we can say yes to the things we care about.

Tony Jeary

Q: I’m a people pleaser—I have trouble saying no. How can I change?

A: Learning to say no is the single most effective way to increase your focus and productivity. Saying no will help you reduce what I call low leverage activities (those that consume resources and drive results slowly) and invest more time and energy into high leverage activities, which are the key to achieving the right results faster. We must learn to say no to the things that don’t matter so we can say yes to the things we care about.

There are a lot of ways to say no and make people feel as if you still care. Sometimes it really means saying not now.

I teach clients that instead of something being a complete no, it can be no and instead. For example, if someone asks me to lunch to talk about something and I am unsure whether it is a high leverage activity, I will ask the person more questions. If I learn the information can be covered over email, I’ll suggest that. I am still staying no to his initial request, but I answered his question and freed up a few hours for myself to invest in other things.

Source: learn-to-say-no-to-take-control-of-your-life

10 Things Successful People Never Do Again

We all make mistakes but the people who thrive from their mistakes are the successful ones.

Henry Cloud       

“Never go back.” What does that mean? From observations of successful people, clinical psychologist and author of Never Go Back: 10 Things You'll Never Do Again (Howard Books, June 2014), Dr. Henry Cloud has discovered certain “awakenings” that people have—in life and in business—that once they have them, they never go back to the old way of doing things. And when that happens, they are never the same. In short, they got it.
“Years ago, a bad business decision of mine led to an interesting discussion with my mentor,” Dr. Cloud says. “I had learned a valuable lesson the hard way, and he reassured me: ‘The good thing is once you learn that lesson, you never go back. You never do it again.’
“I wondered, what are the key awakenings that successful people go through that forever change how they do things, which propel them to succeed in business, relationships, and life? I began to study these awakenings, researching them over the years.”
Although life and business have many lessons to teach us, Dr. Cloud observed 10 “doorways” of learning that high performers go through, never to return again.
Successful people never again…   

1. Return to what hasn’t worked.

Whether a job, or a broken relationship that was ended for a good reason, we should never go back to the same thing, expecting different results, without something being different.

2. Do anything that requires them to be someone they are not.

In everything we do, we have to ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this? Am I suited for it? Does it fit me? Is it sustainable?” If the answer is no to any of these questions, you better have a very good reason to proceed.

3. Try to change another person.

When you realize that you cannot force someone into doing something, you give him or her freedom and allow them to experience the consequences. In doing so, you find your own freedom as well.

4. Believe they can please everyone.

Once you get that it truly is impossible to please everyone, you begin to live purposefully, trying to please the right people.

5. Choose short-term comfort over long-term benefit.

Once successful people know they want something that requires a painful, time-limited step, they do not mind the painful step because it gets them to a long-term benefit. Living out this principle is one of the most fundamental differences between successful and unsuccessful people, both personally and professionally.

6. Trust someone or something that appears flawless.

It’s natural for us to be drawn to things and people that appear "incredible." We love excellence and should always be looking for it. We should pursue people who are great at what they do, employees who are high performers, dates who are exceptional people, friends who have stellar character, and companies that excel. But when someone or something looks too good to be true, he, she, or it is. The world is imperfect. Period. No one and no thing is without flaw, and if they appear that way, hit pause.

7. Take their eyes off the big picture.

We function better emotionally and perform better in our lives when we can see the big picture. For successful people, no one event is ever the whole story. Winners remember that—each and every day.

8. Neglect to do due diligence.

No matter how good something looks on the outside, it is only by taking a deeper, diligent, and honest look that we will find out what we truly need to know: the reality that we owe ourselves.

9. Fail to ask why they are where they find themselves.

One of the biggest differences between successful people and others is that in love and in life, in relationships and in business, successful people always ask themselves, what part am I playing in this situation? Said another way, they do not see themselves only as victims, even when they are.

10. Forget that their inner life determines their outer success.

The good life sometimes has little to do with outside circumstances. We are happy and fulfilled mostly by who we are on the inside. Research validates that. And our internal lives largely contribute to producing many of our external circumstances.
And, the converse is true: people who are still trying to find success in various areas of life can almost always point to one or more of these patterns as a reason they are repeating the same mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes…even the most successful people out there. But, what achievers do better than others is recognize the patterns that are causing those mistakes and never repeat them again. In short, they learn from pain—their own and the pain of others.
A good thing to remember is this: pain is unavoidable, but repeating the same pain twice, when we could choose to learn and do something different, is certainly avoidable. I like to say, “we don’t need new ways to fail….the old ones are working just fine!” Our task, in business and in life, is to observe what they are, and never go back to doing them again. 
10 Things Successful People Never Do Again

10 Resolutions That Will Make You Mentally Stronger

Turn 2017 in an opportunity to build your mental muscle.

When most people set out to become fitter in the New Year, they're thinking about physical fitness. In fact, getting in better physical shape tops the list of New Year's resolutions. According to a Nielson survey (link is external), 37% of people want to stay fit and healthy in the New Year, while 32% of people want to lose weight.

But sadly, most people will never achieve those goals. Statistically speaking, studies find only about 8% of people keep their New Year's resolution.
If more people focused on their mental fitness, however, they'd likely become more successful in achieving any goals they set for themselves—physical fitness or otherwise. After all, your body won't do what your mind doesn't tell it.
Building mental muscle is the key to self-discipline, delayed gratification, grit, and perseverance. And those are the skills you need to become the best physical and mental version of yourself.
Here are 10 New Year's Resolutions that will help you grow mentally stronger next year:

1. I will spend at least 15 minutes a day in quiet reflection.

A few minutes of quiet time gives you an opportunity to reflect on your progress and think about what you want to do better tomorrow. Schedule a few minutes every day to recharge your batteries with a little bit of solitude. It will help you gain clarity and renew your motivation to reach your goals.

2. I will do at least one tough thing every week.

Whether you sign up for a photography class or you join toastmasters, do something that challenges you to step outside your comfort zone. Face your fears head-on can shift the way you see yourself. Rather than assume you need to avoid hard things because you might fail or because you can't tolerate the stress, you'll chip away at your self-limiting beliefs.

3. I'll write in a gratitude journal.

Write down three things you're grateful for every day and you'll change the way you see the world. Studies have linked gratitude to a multitude of benefits, ranging from better sleep to reduced psychological distress. It only takes a few minutes each day, but it's an easy way to boost your mental strength.

4. I'll take better care of my physical health.

Your mind won't operate efficiently if you're not fueling it with sleep, exercise, and healthy food. But, don't make your goal to be thinner or to look good in a bathing suit. Aim for building a healthy body so you can enjoy a healthier, stronger mind.

5. I'm going to develop a kinder inner dialogue.

The conversations you have with yourself impact the way you behave and how you feel. Harsh self-criticism will only hold you back. Commit to talking to yourself the same way you'd speak to a trusted friend and you'll unlock potential you never knew existed.

6. I'm going to become more aware of my feelings.

Aside from happiness or anger, most adults aren't comfortable sharing their feelings. Many people are willing to say, "I've got butterflies in my stomach," or "There was a lump in my throat," because it feels less vulnerable than saying they feel sad or scared. But your emotions play a huge role in every decision you make.

Decide to become better connected to your feelings. Label your emotions and spend time thinking about how those emotions influence the way you think and the way you behave.

7. I'm going to create a timeline for my dream.

A lot of people say, "I'd like to write a book someday," or, "Someday, I'm going to launch my own business." But since 'someday' never appears on the calendar, it's unlikely you'll actually do it. Turn your dream into a goal by creating a realistic timeline for yourself. Even if you can't tackle it for another a year or two, start researching or learning more about your dream now.

8. I'll spend more time with friends and family.

It's easy to get so caught up in the day-to-day grind that you don't set aside time for friends and family. But, studies show spending time with loved ones is critical to your well-being. Make it a priority to spend time with the important people in your life.

9. I'll create a life that is in line with my values.

It's one thing to say you value giving back to the community or you value caring for the environment, living according to those values isn't always so easy. Evaluate where you devote your time and energy and see if you want to make any lifestyle shifts that would help ensure that your life is in line with your values. Living according to your values is an essential component to mastering your mental strength.

10. I'm going to give up one bad habit.

Letting go of a bad habit can help you work smarter, not harder. So rather than saying you're going to eat more vegetables, commit to giving up that bag of chips you eat at lunch every day. Giving up bad habits that rob you of mental strength, like feeling sorry for yourself, will ensure your healthy habits are much more effective.

Build Your Mental Muscle

Don't overwhelm yourself by tackling too many things at once. Start with one change you want to make. You can always start new goals any time of the year.

So maybe you'll decide to start a gratitude journal in January. Then, once you've turned that into a daily habit, commit to going to sleep 30 minutes earlier in February.
Remember, genuine self-improvement isn't about setting a goal on New Year's Eve and then declaring it a success or a failure two weeks later. Mental strength training (link is external) is about becoming a little better each day throughout the entire year.

Amy Morin What Mentally Strong People Don't Do

10 Resolutions That Will Make You Mentally Stronger

7 Ways to Keep Yourself Motivated for Entrepreneurial Success

The success you seek ultimately lies within you.
Drew Hendricks

So you’ve swerved onto the rumble strips along the road to your entrepreneurial dreams.
Welcome to the club.
The club includes just about every other member of the human race who has ever started something brave and new. In every entrepreneurial success story, there is a time, if not multiple times, when setbacks occurred, chances were taken and motivation was lost.
Think about Steve Jobs getting fired from his own company. Or Mark Zuckerberg dropping out of Harvard and moving to Silicon Valley on a whim. At least you’re in good company. At moments like these, it is important to take the right steps to get yourself back on track.

1. Be mindful and restore yourself physically.

We tend to neglect our bodies when our minds are overwhelmed by stress. But keeping and maintaining a regular health routine is critical for entrepreneurs, especially when faced with challenges. Take a yoga class. Sit in a quiet room and meditate. Go for a jog near a body of water. The point is to do something to get your endorphins flowing, to clear your mind a bit and to re-energize yourself. As the saying goes, “Sometimes you have to slow down to speed up.” Take a moment for your health and it will pay dividends in the long run.

2. Read fiction.

Step out of your world for an hour and read a good fiction book. As our society moves toward more bite-sized, digital content, the benefits of fiction for entrepreneurs are increasingly being recognized. After reading fiction, individuals tend to empathize better, demonstrate superior focus and learn to approach obstacles in new ways. Reading, similar to exercise, helps to replenish us in a seemingly counterintuitive manner. It helps us to step away for a moment, then approach our challenges more effectively. And you never know, the right reference to a client’s favorite character or novel just might close the deal one day.

3. Hear from leaders who have been through it.

There’s nothing quite like an inspirational I-did-it-and-you-can-too story. The entrepreneurial world is full of stories of tragedy and triumph that inspired great new businesses. Latch onto those stories and learn from them. Try out a few tips that successful entrepreneurs who have overcome adversity have tried when they were struggling. This could mean checking out the biography of one of these leaders or just browsing YouTube for their inspirational speeches and interviews. Learn from others’ experiences as much as you can in this moment to better your chance of success in the future.

4. Level up your approach with strategic reading.

If you read any two books during this time, check out What Got You Here Won’t Get You There and Lincoln on Leadership. The first is a great read on retooling one’s thinking as an entrepreneur and manager who must constantly evolve in a leadership role. The author, Marshall Goldsmith, writes on personal development as the key to better management. Again, focusing internally on changing behavior patterns is crucial to finding the means to overcome trying times and ultimately improve as an entrepreneur. The book on Abraham Lincoln emphasizes the powerful lessons of leadership to be gleaned from one of the most remarkable leaders in modern history. Talk about a leader who went through tough times!

5. Talk to your mentors.

People love giving advice, so take full advantage. Think of your network of mentors as a personal board of directors who you can consistently reach out to in search of support and guidance. Some of them might even be able to offer material support in the form of investment, referrals and key introductions to influencers. Your mentors are an opportunity to expand your reach and broaden your thinking.

6. Write it out.

Whether it’s a blog or a personal journal, some of the most thoughtful leaders and entrepreneurs in the field keep a record of their experiences on the road to success. Many of them turn these snippets into best-selling novels when they make it big—Bill Gates and Richard Branson, to name a few. At the very least, use writing as a way to process what you are going through, to strategize, and maybe even to build a following of peers who share ideas and support each other. Although it can be hard to find time for writing, schedule it into your workday (at least 15 minutes) because, in the end, it will add value.

7. Keep calm and do what you do.

Take this moment to recalibrate your goals and stick to them. The path to entrepreneurial success is never a straight one. It is a winding road full of thorns, thickets and all types of obstacles. That is part of the fun! But in the frenetic pace of an entrepreneur’s life, sometimes you will need to pause and reassess how you are approaching those micro-challenges.
Remember that you are where you are for a lot of good reasons. The success you seek ultimately lies within you. You’re just doing the work right now to let that even better version of yourself shine through. You’ve got this. Enjoy the ride.
Source: 7 Ways to Keep Yourself Motivated for Entrepreneurial Success

5 Reasons You Aren’t Successful

Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy. It’s time to get out of the way.

Joseph Lalonde 

Even the most successful people in the world have failed to achieve success at some point, when failure reared its ugly head and knocked them down. The sting from failure can stick around for quite some time—longer than you might imagine. You’ve probably felt it, too. 

     But what caused them and you to fail? Here are five reasons you’re not achieving success:

1. You don’t know what success looks like.

The most common reason we fail to achieve success is because we haven’t defined what success looks like to us. Maybe you’re chasing the latest fad or you’ve watched one too many movies, and that’s where your idea of success stems from.
When we chase other people’s visions of success, we’re bound to fail. We can’t be successful on others’ terms because then it’s like we’re living someone else’s life—and that will never bring us happiness. Instead, to achieve success, lay out what it looks like to you. Define success on your terms and chase it.

2. You don’t know what you’re passionate about.

You bounce from one great idea to the next, constantly chasing what sounds good in the moment. Oprah Winfrey once said, “Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.” She realized people won’t go after what they’re not passionate about, at least not for long.
Examine your life. Find what brings you joy, what piques your interest and what you’re passionate about. When you do, success begins to appear. 
 

3. You don’t want to put in the work.

You’ve heard about Malcolm Gladwell and his 10,000-hour rule. He studied and discovered the most successful people are the ones who have put in the hard work. They dive into their craft and study. And they worked and worked some more.
You can’t expect success to come to you just because you want it to. You have to work hard. Only then will you find true success.

4. You don’t surround yourself with the right people.

Jim Rohn has a famous saying: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
We have to surround ourselves with others who are passionate about developing themselves and becoming successful. When you begin to congregate with those who have a success mindset, great things begin to happen. You begin to form new relationships with people who can guide you to the next step. From there, they can introduce you to other successful people. And then you begin to build a network of successful people as your support system.

5. You don’t have a positive mindset.

Everything looks down and out. You don’t see how anyone could be a success. This negative mindset needs to shift to a positive mindset if you want your chances of achieving success to improve.
You can’t find success if you’re stuck in negativity. You won’t see any positives in the world and it will hold you back. As you began to shift your mindset from one of negativity to one of abundance, you begin to see a whole new world.
If you’re struggling to achieve success, look at the five reasons above and begin working on the areas where you’re weakest. 

Source: 5 Reasons You Aren’t Successful

To Achieve Something Outrageously Extraordinary Requires Extreme Effort

To Achieve Something Outrageously Extraordinary Requires Extreme Effort

It’s your decision to be amazing. It’s an attitude. It’s how you live your life.   

Dan Waldschmidt

December 28, 2016   

    

We aren’t doing enough. Sometimes not even the bare minimum.
But it’s worse than that. This lack of effort is poor, lazy behavior. In every sense of the words.
I’m not even sure how we got to this point, but here is what I do know:

• We talk ourselves out of action before we even get started.
• We spend time, mental energy and emotion trying to look good rather than getting results.
• We debate the plan rather than working on it.
• We make excuses for our mediocrity.

If we want to be successful, it takes doing more. A lot more. To achieve something outrageously extraordinary requires extreme effort.

Effort is the great equalizer.
Seth Godin says ever so brilliantly the following about effort: “People really want to believe effort is a myth…. I think we’ve been tricked by the veneer of lucky people on the top of the heap. We see the folks who manage to skate by, or who get so much more than we think they deserve, and it’s easy to forget that these guys are the exceptions…. For everyone else, effort is directly related to success…. And that’s the key to the paradox of effort: While luck may be more appealing than effort, you don’t get to choose luck. Effort, on the other hand, is totally available, all the time.”
It’s inescapable. Effort makes the difference.
Effort is more than “If you pay me more, I’ll work harder.” It’s about not cheating yourself out of your own potential.
Think about that for a minute. Does anyone else really care if you are only putting in a half-ass effort?
No! You know deep down you are cheating yourself. And you are the only one who is really hurt by your actions.

No one cares about you like you. The least you can do for yourself is to put in the effort to give your dreams the chance to come true.
Think about what you want out of life right now. Perhaps you want:

• More self-assurance about your financial future;
• A better relationship with your spouse and children;
• A happier and/or more fulfilling lifestyle.

Are you willing to put in the effort to make these a reality? Not brains or money or manipulation. EFFORT!
If all that seems too overwhelming, if your dreams and goals seem too far off, let me offer the simplest of insights: Effort is simply you taking the next step. Again and again and again.
When you look closely at how ordinary people achieve amazing things, you begin to see it for what it is: one foot in front of the other. That’s all. A step is infinitely easier than a journey.
It’s your decision to be amazing. It’s a commitment to take the next step. It’s an attitude. It’s how you live your life. Relentlessly moving forward.
The world is full of good people doing good things in good ways. What will change the world is you putting in enough effort to do great things. One step at a time.
Be edgy. Put in extreme effort:

1. Avoid the need to blame others for anything.

Mean, small-minded people know they suck. That’s why they are so cranky and eager to point out others’ mistakes. They hope that by causing others to feel inadequate, everyone will forget about how woefully off the mark their own performance is. Don’t blame anyone, for any reason, ever. It’s a bad habit.

2. Stop working on the things that just don’t matter.

Not everything needs to be done in place of sleep. If you work for a boss, then you owe them solid time. You can’t cut that out. You can, however, cut out TV time, meetings and anything else that gets in the way of achieving your goals. Replace entertainment with activity toward your goal.

3. Refuse to let yourself wallow in self-doubt. You’re alive to succeed.

Stop comparing your current problems to your last 18 failures. They are not the same. You are not the same. Here’s something to remember: Your entire life has been a training ground for you to capture your destiny right now. Why would you doubt that? Stop whining. Go conquer.

4. Ask yourself, What can I do better next time? And then do it next time.

If you spend a decade or two earnestly trying to be better, that’s exactly what will happen. The next best thing to doing something amazing is not doing something stupid. So learn from your mistakes and use the lessons to dominate.

5. Proactively take time to do things that fuel your passion (for example, exercise).

Living in the moment requires you to live at peak performance. A huge part of mental fitness is physical fitness. So go fight someone. Or go running if fighting seems a bit extreme. Physical activity accelerates mental motivation.

6. Apologize to yourself and those around you for having a bad attitude.

Do this once or twice, and you’ll snap out of your funk pretty fast. When you start genuinely apologizing for being a bad influence on those around you, you learn to stop whining and start winning.

Excerpted with permission from EDGY Conversations: How Ordinary People Achieve Outrageous Success by Dan Waldschmidt

Source To Achieve Something Outrageously Extraordinary Requires Extreme Effort

Hilarious footage shows schoolgirl shouting words to hymn at nativity

If you're passionate about what you do don't be afraid to shout it out!!!!!!

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How To Become Really Unstoppable - Tony Robbins Amazing Motivation

Another great video by Tony Robbins.

If you need some motivation he's your guy.

Listen and channel your ambition.

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5 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

5 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

1. Give up dwelling on "If only..."   

Posted May 10, 2016    

Most of us have goals, both big (go back to school and get a master's degree) and small (pare down that pile of junk mail). What keeps us from meeting our goals? Why are some goals successfully achieved, while others remain on our to-do list, nagging us for months or even years at a time? 

I've written before about how to set goals that are more likely to be met. And though a few tweaks to your goal-setting method can have an immense impact on your likelihood of meeting those goals, for many of us the problem lies not so much in the goals we set, but the ways we prevent ourselves from meeting them. You might have the most functional, realistic goals in the world, but if you engage in self-sabotage, then guess what? Your chance to meet a goal is gone before you even begin.
With my clients, I consistently see the same behaviors keeping them from taking action. These methods of self-sabotage can prevent them from getting where they want to be, fixing what they need to fix, and becoming the person they would love to be. You may know what you want and be pretty sure of the path you need to take to get it, but it's not uncommon to be stuck in a rut of self-sabotage.
Do you recognize any of the following behaviors in yourself? 

1. Dwelling on "If only...."

We all have regrets, whether they're about something we did (if only I hadn't dropped out of college), or something we didn't do (if only I'd stood up for myself more in that relationship). Sometimes we play the "if only" game about things that we can't control, but that we wish were different: If we had grown up with different parents, if we were more talented, if our partner could fundamentally change in some way.
These thoughts can follow us around for decades, and the problem with them is that they don't lead to action. Repeatedly revisiting "if only" fantasies when they involve things we can't do anything about keeps us idling in neutral. Given our lack of a time machine and the inability to overhaul people other than ourselves, continuing to indulge in these thoughts brings nothing but further frustration. These thoughts don't spur action, inspiration, or problem-solving. And worst of all, dwelling on them keeps the same patterns going (ruminating on how you wasted your 20s socially may make you less likely to go out and seek good friendships in your 40s; dwelling on imperfect aspects of your partner builds resentment that makes your relationship worse).
Try turning "if only" into a different mindset altogether by accepting what's done, but using this fact to influence your future actions. Such as, "X is this way, but Y can be that way" or "I can't undo my past, but I can influence my future" or "I have learned something from X, which is Y—and here's how I plan to use it to improve things." Each of these is a new, more functional spin on the "if only" mindset.

2. Being afraid of your thoughts.

One of the easiest ways to ensure that a thought will have power over you is to try your hardest to suppress it. Sometimes we do this because our thoughts terrify us: "This is the third argument my fiancee and I have gotten in this week. What if it was the wrong choice to get engaged?" Or because we feel guilty about having them: "My coworker is just not pulling her weight on this project. But she's a sweet person and a good friend so I shouldn't rock the boat."

When you suppress a thought, though, you have no chance to process it—to understand it, feel it, and perhaps eventually decide that it doesn't make sense. Ironically, walking around afraid of what your brain has to say gives your thoughts far too much importance. This is a hallmark of people who struggle with obsessional thinking. These people are locked in a battle of trying desperately to get a sticky thought to go away, mainly because they're so overly distressed by having it in the first place. But getting trapped in this battle doesn't move you forward. Try not to think of a rhinoceros in a bikini, and bam—there she is, and she's wearing quite a hot number!
The more you battle your thoughts, the more you deny yourself the opportunity to work through them, and the more you keep yourself locked in a negative pattern. Try acknowledging your thoughts and facing them, emphasizing that they are just thoughts, and labeling them as such. For example: "I'm having the thought that it was a mistake to get engaged. That's probably because I've been stressed out. I don't have to be afraid of this thought; it is human. I will get a bit more sleep, get over this bad week at work, and see if I feel differently. If I don't, I'll think things through further."

3. Burying your feelings.

A close cousin to avoiding bothersome thoughts is trying to bury or mask feelings deemed unacceptable. Many people think that to fully acknowledge feelings means yelling obscenities in the grocery store, or hysterically wailing at their next staff meeting. But letting yourself feel things is not the same as unleashing emotions onto the world at large. In fact, you'll be less likely to unleash feelings in inappropriate ways if you've actually acknowledged them and worked through them in the first place. Often times we bury feelings out of guilt: "I'm angry at my sister for making that comment about my weight. But she's a sweet person and does so much for me. I have no right to nitpick." Or fear: "If I let myself feel sad about my breakup, I'll get so depressed I won't even be able to function."
But feelings, when hidden, grow bigger and bigger. And they are prone to corroding people from the inside out. Emotions don't tend to go away on their own just because we try to keep them in. It's similar to repeatedly slamming down a lid onto a pot of water that's boiling over. You know that if you let the water get a little bit of air—set the lid so that it doesn't completely cover the pot—you'll soon get a calm, smooth boil instead of a frothy, rattling mess. Acknowledging your feelings doesn't make them spin out of control, but putting the lid on them does.

4. Habitually starting tomorrow.

So, you've eaten a third sleeve of Girl Scout cookies before noon, or you're completely frustrated that it's three o'clock in the afternoon and you've gotten little work done. Many times, the natural reaction is to abandon the rest of the day and visualize the beautiful blank slate of tomorrow. But it's never tomorrow. If you spend so much time saving until tomorrow, the habits you want to pick up and the changes you want to make will always be beyond your reach, because tomorrow is a constantly moving target.

If you are someone who must have a "clean slate" to get motivated, it need not be tomorrow. Why not have that clean slate start in one hour? Or fifteen minutes? This helps stop the surge of all or nothing thinking that can lead you to write off the rest of the day, getting you farther and farther from your goals. Even better, instead of arbitrarily declaring the slate clean because the calendar flipped over, create a true and meaningful clean slate through your behavior. Take a brisk walk. Do a brief meditation. Have a quick chat with a friend. Do some breathing exercises. Allow yourself five minutes of a video that makes you laugh. Each of these things can help reset your mind and your productivity much better than the vague "tomorrow," which, when you think about it, is never actually here and never really puts you in the driver's seat.

5. Letting inertia harm you rather than help you.

Inertia is fantastic when it's on your side. If you pick up a healthy habit and maintain it for several weeks in a row—making coffee rather than buying it, taking the stairs rather than the elevator, sorting your emails as they come in—it becomes much easier to continue it. But too often, inertia applies to habits we don't want to have, and activities that make us feel unproductive and unhealthy. This is the reason why the psychological clean slate discussed above can be so powerful. We desperately crave the ability to be free from the things we already view as tainted: A busted diet, a soured relationship, or a pattern of motivation-killing habits at work. We don't want to salvage any of it. We want to start fresh because it's a much more attractive option.
Here's the thing: Just like in the physical world, we are prone to staying in motion—or in place—by this force of inertia, and no one can change it but ourselves. The calendar flipping to a new year, feelings of being "fed up," new workout gear, or public promises can all (briefly) jumpstart new behaviors. But they don't address the underlying inertia, which is truly needed to change long-term behavior. You must build the right day-to-day structure in order for new habits to take hold. Otherwise the inertia of the old habits never really goes away. Yes, those new workout pants are fabulous, but if your gym is still too far away or too incompatible with your work hours, then you haven't done anything to address the inertia that prevents you from going to the gym. Focus not on the jumpstart, but on the overhauling of the battery to get inertia working for you, rather than against you.

Andrea Bonior, Ph.D. (link is external), is a licensed clinical psychologist and speaker. She is the author of the upcoming Psychology: Essential Thinkers, Classic Theories, and How They Inform Your World, (link is external) and The Friendship Fix (link is external), and serves on the faculty of Georgetown University. Her mental health advice column Baggage Check (link is external) has appeared in the Washington Post Express for more than eleven years. She speaks to audiences large and small about relationships, work-life balance, and motivation, and is a television commentator about mental health issues. Join the conversation on Facebook (link is external) or Twitter (link is external)! 
Photo credit: Victor (Flickr Creative Commons)

Source: 5 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Yourself

How Do High Achievers Really Think?

Beliefs that lead to success.

Posted Oct 19, 2011

Positive affirmations (link is external) are a staple of the self-help industry (link is external), but there is a problem with standing in front of the mirror every morning and saying something like: "I prosper wherever I turn and I know that I deserve prosperity of all kinds." "I am my own unique self—special, creative and wonderful." Or "I will be king of the world in just five days, I just know it." It makes you feel kinda silly (and sometimes worse).

What does research show (link is external) about how high achievers really think? High achievers are often marked, unsurprisingly, by a strong motive to achieve. Less accomplished individuals are often more motivated to avoid failure.
Achievement motivated individuals have a strong desire to accomplish something important, and gain gratification from success in demanding tasks. Consequently they are willing to expend intense effort over long timespans in the pursuit of their goals.
Failure-avoiding individuals are more focused on protecting themselves from the embarrassment and sense of incompetence that can accompany failing at a valued task. Consequently they are less likely to attempt achievement-oriented tasks, and may give up quickly if success is not readily forthcoming. Where total avoidance of tasks is not possible, failure-avoiding individuals may procrastinate, give less than their best effort, or engage in other self-handicapping behaviour that provides a face-saving excuse in the event of failure (e.g. drinking heavily the night before the morning of an important exam).
Of course, achievement motivation versus failure avoidance motivation exist on a continuum, with most of us falling somewhere in the middle. In the research literature, this continuum is described as Relative Motive Strength.
An individual's relative motive strength does not exist in a vacuum, but is associated with an elaborate matrix of beliefs that justify the commitment of intense effort toward goal achievement, or the relative lack thereof. The core beliefs that differentiate achievement motivated individuals are:

1. Success is your personal responsibility
Achievement motivated individuals tend to believe that initiative, effort, and persistence are key determinants of success at demanding tasks. Failure-avoiding individuals are more likely to view success as dependent on available resources and situational constraints (e.g. the task is too hard, or the marker was biased).

2. Demanding tasks are opportunities
Achievement motivated individuals tend to see demanding tasks where success is uncertain as ‘challenges' or ‘opportunities'. Failure avoiding individuals are more likely to see them as ‘threats' that may lead to the embarrassment of failure. An achievement motivated individual might tell a failure avoiding individual, "Anything worthwhile is difficult, so stop acting so surprised".

3. Achievement striving is enjoyable
Achievement motivated individuals associate effort on demanding tasks with dedication, concentration, commitment and involvement. Failure-avoiding individuals categorise such effort as overloading or stressful. They see perseverance in the face of setbacks and obstacles as slightly compulsive.

4. Achievement striving is valuable
Achievement motivated individuals value hard work in and of itself. Failure-avoiding individuals may mock achievement striving as uncool (e.g. the attitude that the L on learner plates stands for Loser). They may associate achievement striving with lack of a social life or even early death by heart attack.

5. Skills can be improved
Achievement-motivated individuals have a strong belief that they can improve their performance on demanding tasks with practice, training, coaching, and dedication to learning. Failure-avoiding individuals tend to see skills as fixed and/or dependent on innate talents.
The research into how skills can most effectively be improved is discussed here.

6. Persistence works
Achievement motivated individuals are inclined to believe that continued effort and commitment will overcome initial obstacles or failures. Failure-avoiding individuals are inclined to see initial failure as a sign of things to come.
So the achievement motivated individual says, "Don't assume that you can't do something until you've tried. And I mean really tried, like tried 3000 times, not that you tried three times, and 'oh I give up.'"
And the failure-avoiding individual responds, "You really need to learn when to quit."

The beliefs held by achievement-motivated individuals are not necessarily more logical or objectively correct than the beliefs held by failure-avoiding individuals, certainly not in all situations. However, they are empirically associated with high levels of achievement.

Once you understand the modes of achievement motivated versus failure-avoiding thinking, you will recognise them in the way that others talk about their goals, dreams, successes, and setbacks. You will also recognise them in your own thinking, and you can choose to cultivate the beliefs that will support you to achieve your goals. This is more effective than just trying to think positive and relying on the law of attraction (link is external) to provide you with what you want.

Carl Beuke, Ph.D., is a psychologist working in management and leadership. He works with the New Zealand Prisons Service and Ministry for the Environment, among others.

Source - How Do High Achievers Really Think?

Motivation for Smart People (Sans Chest Pounding)

July 25, 2006 by Steve Pavlina

Do you ever feel there’s a greater being inside of you just bursting to get out? You can feel its presence sometimes, can’t you? It’s the voice that encourages you to really make something of your life. When you act congruently with that voice, it’s like you’re a whole new person. You feel like a god in a human body. You’re bold and courageous. You’re strong. You’re unstoppable.

But then reality sets in, and soon those moments are history. Where did that powerful voice go? Were you merely suffering from delusions of grandeur?

It isn’t hard to temporarily put yourself into an emotional state of power. Just go to any Tony Robbins’ concert seminar, and he’ll have you dancing in the aisles feeling totally motivated. Put on your favorite fast-tempo music, stand tall, breathe strong, chest out, shoulders back. Strut around like a superhero. Shout, “Yes!” Pound your chest a few times for good measure. You’ll look like a dolt, but this does actually work.
But then you go home, and the emotional motivation fades away. Your great ideas now seem impractical. How many times have you been temporarily inspired with an idea like, “I want to start my own business,” and then a week later it’s forgotten? You come up with inspiring ideas when you’re motivated, but you fail to maintain that level of motivation through the action phase.
So how do you reach the point of high motivation and stay there?
Emotional motivation
Tony Robbins says the key to motivation is state management. This means conditioning yourself to feel a certain way via techniques like anchoring (connecting an emotion to a physical trigger). When Tony pounds his chest while speaking, he’s firing off anchors he previously conditioned. The downside is that you need to keep firing off these anchors as well as periodically reconditioning them to keep your motivation up. That means lots and lots of chest pounding.
As another motivational method, Tony suggests writing down the pleasure you associate to a task as well as the pain of not doing it. Again the idea here is to stir up your emotions, so you’ll be motivated to take action. This type of motivation is usually short-lived, even when the emotions involved are very intense.
I studied and practiced these kinds of emotional motivation techniques extensively during my 20s. In the long run, I didn’t find them particularly effective. My intellect saw right through all the chest pounding. The logical part of my mind was ultimately dissatisfied with attempts to induce motivation through emotional manipulation.
Have you ever seen one of those rah-rah motivational speakers? If the speaker is good, s/he will have an emotional effect on you and get you to feel motivated. But within a day or two, that emotional boost fades away, and you’re back to normal. You can listen to hundreds of motivational speakers and experience an emotional yo-yo effect, but it doesn’t last. I think this is especially common with technically minded people. We’re accustomed to thinking with our heads. We’re still emotional creatures on some level, but our emotional B.S. detectors periodically scrub our minds free of anything that doesn’t satisfy our logic.
Intellectual motivation
I used to get frustrated when my emotional conditioning fizzled out after a while. Eventually I realized that being guided by intellect, not emotion, wasn’t such a bad thing after all. I just had to learn to use my mind as an effective motivational tool. I stopped using emotional motivation techniques and decided to see if I could motivate myself intellectually. I figured that if I wasn’t feeling motivated to go after a particular goal, maybe there was a logical reason for it. Perhaps I just wasn’t taking my logic far enough to see it.
I noted that when I had strong intellectual reasons for doing something, I usually didn’t have trouble taking action. I’m motivated to exercise regularly because doing so is intelligent and reasonable. I don’t need to emotionally pump myself up to go to the gym. I just go.
But when my mind thinks a goal is wrong on some level, I usually feel blocked. I eventually realized that this was my mind’s way of telling me the goal was a mistake to begin with.
Sometimes a goal seems to make sense on one level, but when you look further upstream, it becomes clear the goal is ill advised. Suppose you work in sales, and you set a goal to increase your income by 20% by becoming a more effective salesperson. That seems like a reasonable and intelligent goal. But maybe you’re surprised to find yourself encountering all sorts of internal blocks when you try to pursue it. You should feel motivated, but you just don’t. The problem may be that on a deeper level, your mind knows you don’t want to be working in sales at all. You really want to be a musician. So no matter how hard you push yourself in your sales career, it will always be a motivational dead end. You’ll never convince your mind to give up on your more important dream of being a musician.
When you set goals that are too small and too timid, you suffer a perpetual lack of motivation. Try all the emotional conditioning techniques you want, but you’re wasting your time. Deep down you already know the truth. You just need to summon the courage to acknowledge your true desires. Then you’ll have to deal with the self-doubt and fear that’s been making you think too small. There’s no getting around that if you want to experience lasting motivation. Ironically, the real key to motivation is to set goals that scare you.
I recommend working through these kinds of blocks in your journal. Type a question like, “Why am I feeling unmotivated to achieve this goal?” Then type whatever answer comes to mind. You’ll often find that the source of your block is that you’re thinking too small. You’re letting fears, excuses, and limiting beliefs hold you back. Your subconscious mind knows you’re settling, so it won’t provide any motivational fuel until you step up, face your fears, and acknowledge your heart’s desire. Once you finally decide to face your fears and drop the excuses, then you’ll find your motivation turning on full blast.
When I use this process myself, I uncover new goals that seem unreasonably big. I admit that I want them, but I feel incapable of achieving them. However, when I finally step up and set goals that lie outside my comfort zone, somehow I end up feeling very motivated, and I summon all sorts of unexpected resources to help me.
Was it unreasonable to set a web traffic goal of reaching a million monthly visitors without spending any money on marketing? I originally thought so, but I privately set that goal before I ever launched this site because it inspired me. More reasonable traffic goals had no motivational effect on me. Now that I’ve achieved that goal, my next traffic goal is to reach 10 million visitors a month. Is that unreasonable? Probably. But somehow it’s very motivating to me.
It seems counter-intuitive that motivation may be highest when setting goals that lie outside your comfort zone, but I’ve seen this pattern too many times to discount it. Perhaps we have to set big, hairy, audacious goals in order to feel truly motivated. Maybe little goals just aren’t enough to trigger the release of motivational energy. If we think a goal is too easy, we won’t commit all our internal resources. It’s only when we set unreasonable goals that all our internal resources come online, including motivation and drive.
When I set a goal that’s big enough and challenging enough, I never need to pump myself up with emotional rah-rah. I feel motivated to pursue the goal because my intellect is fully behind it. I just find myself doing what needs to be done. No chest pounding required.

Source Motivation for Smart People (Sans Chest Pounding)

Self Improvement and Self Growth

Simple Technique for Self Improvement and Self Growth

By Remez Sasson

Nowadays, there is a growing interest in self growth and self improvement techniques. There is a growing number of books, articles and websites dealing with these topics.

It seems that people are turning within them, to find the solution to their problems. They seek knowledge, techniques, workshops, lectures, and teachers, who can show them the way.

People are beginning to understand that self improvement and self growth can improve the quality of their lives.

The process of inner change requires inner work.
It is not enough to read articles and books. You also have to practice what you read. Inner change requires motivation, desire, ambition, perseverance and dedication.

When you starting with a self improvement program, it is common to encounter inner resistance that comes from your old habits and from your subconscious mind, and also resistance and opposition from the people around you.

The desire to change, build new habits and improve oneself must be strong enough to resist laziness, the desire to give up, and the fear and ridicule of opposition from family, friends or colleagues.

A simple technique
Let me tell you something about myself. I have been attracted to self improvement from an early age, and have regarded it as a source of inner strength and happiness, and a way to a improve my life.

One of the most useful techniques I discovered, was a simple, but very effective technique. It consisted of watching how people behaved and acted in various situations, and then looking inside myself, to find out if I behaved in the same way under the same conditions.

When I saw people with certain traits of character, or a certain kind of behavior that I did not like, I examined myself to see whether I possessed them too. If I did, I visualized and rehearsed in my mind a different sort of behavior. In my mind's eye, I saw myself with the opposite traits of character.

I visualized myself in various situations, in which I manifested the new behavior.

When I encountered traits of character or behavior, which I liked, I used to think about their advantages and benefits, and about their importance in my life. Here too, I used visualization and affirmations, and endeavored to enact them in my daily life.

In this way, I learned and benefited a lot from the behavior and actions of the people around me, at work, at home, on the street, and everywhere else. It was never for the purpose of judging them or taking advantage of them, but for learning how to act, react and behave in a better way.

This process had another benefit. It increased the knowledge and understanding about how the mind and thoughts influence the behavior and actions of people.

Tips for a Simple Self Growth Technique

1. Look around you and watch how people behave in various circumstances. Watch the people you meet at home, work, at the supermarket, on the bus, train and on the street. You may also watch and learn from people being interviewed on TV.

2. Watch how people talk, walk and react, and how they are treated by others.

3. Pay attention to the way people use their voice and how they react to other people's voices. Watch how you feel and how you react when people shout, or speak softly. Watch what happens when people get angry, restless and upset, and what happens to you and others, when they are calm and relaxed.

4. If you do not like what you see, analyze why you do not like it, and then analyze your own behavior to find out, whether you behave in the same way. Be honest and impartial in your analysis.

5. When you discover that you possess some of these undesirable traits of character and behavior, affirm to yourself often that every time you catch yourself indulging in these traits or behavior, you are going to be aware of them, and do your best to avoid them.

6. Play in your mind a mental scene of how you would like to behave. Repeat it several times a day, every day.

7. When you detect in someone a sort of behavior or character traits you like and desire to possess, try to act in a similar way. Here too, visualize several times each day a scene, where you act and behave in that different way.

8. Think and visualize over and again in your mind how you would like to act and behave. Constantly, remind yourself of the changes you desire to make, and strive to act according to them. Every time that you find yourself acting according to your old habit, remember your decision to change and improve, and act accordingly.

9. Do not be disappointed or frustrated if you do not attain fast results. It does not matter how many times you fail or forget to behave as you desired. Persevere with your efforts and never give up, and you will begin to see how you and your life change.

About the Author

Remez Sasson is the founder of Success Consciousness. He is the author of articles and books, teaching how to use your mental tools and inner powers to create a life of happiness, success, fulfillment and inner peace.

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